Trigger Warning - Manchester Arena Bombing From A Survivor

Manchester Arena Bombing From A Survivor 

Monday 22nd May 2017. The day my life changed forever. The day I truly feared for my life. The day I thought I was going to die. I thought I would never make it out alive.

Ariana Grande finished the song "Dangerous Woman" and the lights came on. Instantly, a massive bang echoed through the arena. I knew something was wrong. My gut feeling knew there was something wrong and that I didn't feel safe staying still where I was and had to leave as soon as possible. I knew it was something serious but of what nature I was unsure. Was it a bomb? Was it a gunshot? Is there multiple people with guns? Is it just one bomb? Only one person or more? Literally everything was running through my head, just unsure what it could be but also not caring what it was as I just wanted to get out of there. The security who stand around the arena said it was a speaker, a board fell...anything but the truth as obviously they didn't know at this point until a few seconds later. I ran...I ran for my life out of the seating area with my mum to the waiting part of the arena. You know after they check your ticket and you get drinks etc before going into the actual seating part of the arena? Haven't got a clue what its called but you get the idea! All I saw were people running and screaming in our direction, with the look of fear, true fear on their faces. That image will stay with me forever...people fearing for their lives. I feared for my life, my mums life and everyone else's life at this point. 

Luckily, my mum knew exactly what to do...not follow everyone else! We ran across from the door we were standing at into the toilet blocks and stayed in a cubical until it all died down a bit. My mum and I, crying, hugging and keeping quiet in a cubical. Telling each other how much we love each other and so lucky for everything we have both had in these short 18 years together, just in case this was the last time I was able to speak to my mum. We didn't know what horror awaited the other side of the toilet door, we didn't know what happened, we didn't know what might happen. This was the scariest thing. After a little view over the cubical door from standing on the toilet, it seemed clear. As far as we were aware. Still not knowing if we could be shot or hurt. You never know in these situations if it's going to be a hostage sort of situation or just a one person acting alone. Your brain goes insane with all these different thoughts. You just never know. 

After leaving the cubical, security lead us out of one of the doors which led onto the main road outside of the arena. Our car still in the arena car park so had no where to go. We weren't allowed to get the car as it was now a crime scene. They blocked it all off. On the road, I saw people covered in blood, the injured, army men, police men and woman, fire brigade, helicopters and fear, once again. The look of not knowing on everyone's face. Once again, my mum knew what to do. We hid behind a reinforced wall across the road from the arena...for protection in case the whole place blew up. You just never know so got to be prepared for the worst.  

I had multiple messages and calls from people asking if I was okay before I found out myself what happened...We had to find out what happened through twitter. My stomach dropped. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to just wake up from this nightmare and it all to be okay again. It will never be okay again! After staying behind this wall for an hour, if not more, we saw a security guard come to the car park that was behind the wall, covered head to toe in other peoples blood. He is a hero but what he saw will change his life forever. He told us it was like a horror bloody scene inside of the reception area. Blood everywhere and multiple injured and many dead. Just tears pouring down all of our faces knowing what has happened and having his view of what he actually saw, made it even more real.

While still behind the wall, a woman came over to us with her son while waiting for her daughter who was in a wheelchair so couldn't run, still stuck inside with her carer. That was the most intense 25 minutes waiting with her, tears pouring once again, not knowing if she will get good or bad news. There her daughter was in the distance yelling "Mum, I'm here". My heart broke for her, a mum reunited with her daughter, physically fine with her carer. It was beautiful to watch but still horrible knowing the circumstances. 

It was getting really late, after midnight by the time we felt up to moving. Anxious about every move, not trusting anyone. We walked into the local Travelodge down the road from the arena as on twitter, people were saying that they would keep us for however long we needed to find a way home and provide food, water and rooms for us. They really helped so much after going through that. They were understanding and I felt safe. I didn't sleep at all that night, I couldn't. I was trying to process everything but just couldn't and kept breaking out in tears. We sat right under the TV in the Travelodge which had the news on, too much for all of us to re-watch multiple times in a few minutes...you know what the news channels are like!! They offered us a room but we declined as would rather just stay awake and alert downstairs so we could make a fast exit if needed. We were within the police cordon so once we left the cordon, we weren't allowed back in so decided to stay here until the next day, then find a way home. Multiple police offers came in as they knew a lot of people were in the Travelodge from the arena. Watching people received that dreaded news about their children's death, their relatives death, their parents death...It was distressing the witness. I saw the majority of the families of the 22 people who died receive the news. I felt it as they felt it. Hearing the death number increase just wondering when it would stop.

The next day, we got a taxi to Manchester Airport to then get picked up by my family. Not ate for at least 24 hours, only drank little bits of water. Lack of feeling in my body, numbness all over, even my brain. We got home and settled back in to normality, sort of. The next day I went to college, who knows why. Guess as a distraction but it was far from. Everyone constantly asking about what happened, how I am and other questions as you can imagine. I stayed strong, I just felt numb for a good few days afterwards so it didn't really get to me until it actually sunk in what happened.

I thought I was okay, didn't have any Post Traumatic Stress symptoms but I was wrong. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder March 2018, nearly a year later. My symptoms didn't kick in for a while. I felt okay, I felt like I was over it and completely fine, little did I know that it doesn't always hit straight away. I kept having nightmares at around 6 months post event. I kept seeing stuff, I kept hearing bangs and hearing screams to the point I thought I was going insane. I thought I needed help but never acted upon it until Bonfire Night 2017. The bangs, the loud noises, everything about Bonfire Night made me realise I am struggling more than I want to let onto. I needed professional help so that's what I got. I self-referred myself through the helpline email address they gave out to us. I told them how I was feeling, all my symptoms and they sent it straight to the Mental Health hospital. I have had a few sessions there now but as time goes by, my symptoms increasingly get worse and I have actually thought about ending my own life, just from the pain and the noises in my head. You can't get away from it.

Everyday is different with PTSD. Sometimes I have really good days and others, I can't cope with my own mind and thoughts and wish they would stop. I couldn't have got through all my bad days without my partner. He acknowledges how I'm feeling and tries to help me through my thoughts. 

Thank you all for reading my story and my experience of the Manchester Arena Bombing. I survived a terrorist attack and I am not ashamed to say I am struggling but I'm getting help. 

Stay Safe!

Caitlin x